its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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