I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
