Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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