Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
