I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
