We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
