i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
