Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
