do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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