Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
