i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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