I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
