Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
