I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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