i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
