Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize