The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
