Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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