tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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