I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
