y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
