Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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