she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
