answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
