ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
