she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
