He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
