So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
