plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
