Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
high people should be assigned attendants
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
