i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
