So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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