I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
whose parrot is this?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
