Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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