my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
