I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
