oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
