She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
