I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
