Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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