you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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