Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
