I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
