Quick, to the slutcave!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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