I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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