is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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