So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
