Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
