So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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