singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
