This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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