There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
