Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
