hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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