Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
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Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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