Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
