found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
