I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
