went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
