Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
