I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
